Dilemma OR Old and New
by justlovebt
Summary: Written for Sweetjamielee s Plan B summer ficathon prompt: A/K Dilemma. Much has happened in the 4 years Kalinda and Alicia haven t seen each other, but when they meet again, it s time for Alicia to be true to her feelings. Is she too late?


**Title:** Dilemma OR Old and New  
**Author:** Bepatientimadoc AKA justlovebt  
**Fandom:** The Good Wife  
**Pairing:** Alicia/Kalinda  
**Word Count:** ~2700  
**Disclaimer:** I don`t own any of the characters of the lovely show `The Good Wife`.  
**Genre:** Romance, drama.  
**Prompt (anonymous) for Sweetjamielee`s plan B ficathon:** Kalinda/Alicia: Dilemma  
**Summary:** Much has happened in the 4 years Kalinda and Alicia haven`t seen each other, but when they meet again, it`s time for Alicia to be true to her feelings. Is she too late?

Author`s note: So, Sweetjamielee`s Plan B summer ficathon is coming to an end... I`ve really, really, really enjoyed myself and have written stories I would have never come up with myself, because of all these delicious prompts out there. So I`d like to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU!  
Thanks to Sweetjamielee, for hosting this ficathon that has brought me so much joy.  
Thanks to all of those who have left prompts and wrote for bringing and sharing inspiration.  
Thanks to those who have read and commented for you have no idea how much it means that you do!

Hope you enjoy!

**Dilemma** OR **Old and New**

Alicia sees her when she is shopping. A chore she is not particularly fond of, but the loss of several articles of clothing in the move, makes it a necessary evil. She has to blink twice to recognize the woman in the diner, not only because of the unlikely place, or the time –years, she shocked realizes- they haven`t seen each other, but also because the relaxed features and the long and untied locks. But then, when her mind believes the registration her body and her heart had made since the first moment, it is as if all time falls away. She finds herself entering, and is not even surprised. She had long ago accepted the effect Kalinda Sharma used to have on her. Has on her… She has just, never, in her time in Oregon, allowed herself to take the chance to find her. To do something about it.

What was that? Anger? Fear? Alicia doesn't know, but what she does know is that nothing of it matters now. She has come back to Chicago, and, when she sees the woman taking a sip of her milk, she knows exactly why.

`Kalinda…`

The woman looks up, almost chokes in a fry when she sees her, but recovers quickly, answering with a cool air as if they have only seen each other the day before.

`Alicia.`

Alicia doesn`t know what she had hoped, since they hadn`t parted amicably, since she hadn`t even allowed herself to say goodbye before leaving, but she knows she must have expected something because she feels the disappointment. Maybe she`d been hoping for a hug, for even the most fleeting of physical contact that she has craved for the last 4 years. But Kalinda doesn't even get up. So Alicia just has to satisfy her needs by drinking in the image of the woman, who now doesn`t seem to want to look in her eyes.

She does, however, allow Alicia to slip into the seat opposite of her and even offers her plate for the older woman to take a French fry.

`You look good, Alicia`

Alicia smiles, knowing that, now, now she has taken a decision, or, more accurately, now that she is acting on a decision she has taken unknowingly already a long time ago, she must. She recognizes some of the old Kalinda in the clipped sound of the words, the compliment not spoken, like one would hear in a reunion, as a formality but rather with a reluctant honesty. But there is so much new about the woman before her, she just can`t stop staring. It shouldn't be so surprising, considering how much she herself had changed over the last years and yet it was. Because Kalinda looked softer, and, in an earth shattering way, even more appealing.

`I`m sorry I left the way I did.`

It is like she hears someone else say it. But somehow the words do make sense. Kalinda looks up and manages the first eye contact they have shared in years. Alicia is glad she is in a sitting position, when the waves of dizziness overwhelm her. The gaze is still as strong as she remembered and she has to catch her breath at the intensity of the feelings that overwhelm her.

`Why did you?`

Her lips are dry, and for a moment she is afraid her answer won`t come out audible. There are two questions in the one. Two the old Kalinda would never have asked, and Alicia finds herself drawn even more to the mystery that is the investigator. The changes and the similarities. She ponders on the answer for a moment longer, and swallows away the tears that are lodged in her throat.

`Owen, he got sick… He couldn`t bear the medicine, and the virus was too strong for him. He passed away a few months ago.'

Her windpipe is constricted, the unshed tears almost preventing her to breathe. A hand is reached out and placed on hers. New Kalinda, Alicia registers, as she witnesses the gesture. Old Kalinda, she senses, when she feels the callus of the thumb, eliciting goose bumps. The unanswered part of the earlier question still lingers between them, and the comfort of Kalinda`s hand gives her the courage she needs to say it, to admit it, for the first time out loud and to another person.

`I ran away for my feelings for you.`

The hand is withdrawn as if stung, and a coldness remains, clinging to her skin where moments before Kalinda had touched her. The heavy silence that follows shows her the word have hit its mark, that they are not misinterpretated. The relieve of her admission, however, is immediately replaced when she sees Kalinda`s other hand reach up, and the younger woman, absentmindedly, nervously, starts to play with a ring… The ring is on the right hand, and on the right finger, but somehow is still takes Alicia an embarrassing amount time to figure out what it represents.

He is already behind Kalinda when she does, the shock of seeing him surprisingly numbed by the realization the information, that seems to be thrown at her with immense speed and force, has elicited. His hands lay, casually, on her shoulders, the matching ring screaming at her from his finger. His mouth finds Kalinda`s in a movement that seems perfected by time. He sees her only after he greeted his wife, and Alicia thinks she sees a moment of stunned sadness before he grins his boyish smile and walks around the table to hug her.

`Alicia.`

`Cary…'

Her voice is hoarse with emotion and breaks, she feels Kalinda`s eyes on her, their warmth, the tingling curiosity. But she can`t get herself to find them, she can`t get herself to do anything, really, but she manages to, half, reciprocate his hug and excuse herself. She wants to run, to hide. The floor to split open so she can disappear. But, instead, finds herself in leaning on a bathroom faucet, facing a cracked mirror.

She splashes cold water in her face, annoyed with the emotions that are raging through her and are so, so visible in her eyes, so, so raw on her skin. She shoots herself a look when she catches herself, absentmindedly caressing the hand that Kalinda just touched, and suddenly sees what Owen always meant when he told her about `Saint-Alicia`s-Look`. She snorts and laughs, and suddenly something breaks. She is surprised to feel the tears on her cheeks, the emotions that have been on the brim for the last months finally finding their way to the surface. She pushes herself back and hides in a stall until the worse of the sobbing, the crying, that seems to be now an action of her whole body, subsides.

She feels lighter and heavier at the same time when she emerges, glad no-one –SHE- had followed her and witnessed her melt-down. It was as if the crying had clarified something for her. Like some sort of catharsis she couldn't really put her finger on. But she knew one thing for certain. She wanted Kalinda back in her life, and she would do anything in order to convince the younger woman to let her. She knew now, that friendship was the highest she should… Could… aim for. But they had been good at being friends once, before she had fucked it up. They could do it again. She catches sight of herself in the mirror and smiles melancholically, cleaning the remainder of the tears before finding her way out. Out of the safety her hidingplace provides.

…

' I`ve always known, Kalinda. This is something we have agreed on.`

His voice sounds heavy, mature, and Alicia hesitates, lingers in her spot, not wanting to interrupt. She sees Kalinda swallow, he squeezes her hand, gently, before getting up and stealing a fry from her plate. He chews it, thoughtfully, and then smiles. Not the boyish grin of before but the same kind of crooked smile she has just witnessed on her own face in the mirror. Then, he bends over and kisses Kalinda long and slowly on the cheek, with a tenderness she has never seen in him before. Kalinda takes his hand when he starts to walk away, and their eyes meet as they stand there, their fingers entwined, hovering in the air before, as in slow motion, they are being pulled apart.

Alicia sees their hands drop with emotional heaviness, and wants to turn away, but finds herself rooted to the spot as Cary faces her and smiles. She is surprised by the genuine although subdued twinkle in his eyes, the tone in his voice. He looks back at Kalinda, who has her back to them. The slumped shoulders remind Alicia of old Kalinda, of when they were fighting, of the times when she had so blatantly dismissed the other woman. The ache cuts through her like a knife, and she faces Cary to see her pain mirrored in his eyes.

`It was nice to see you again, Alicia… But I guess I`ll be seeing more of you, now that…`

His face changes and he swallows, and she can`t help but think he swallows the last part of the sentence. She opens her mouth to answer, although she is not sure what. Not sure of what she has just witnessed, of what she could possibly say. But he rescues her by awkwardly patting her shoulder and , in the blink of an eye, escaping the establishment.

Alicia stands there, for a second, looking in the direction in which he had just disappeared, wondering why, despite everything, despite even her embarrassing admission, despite the tiredness after her hidden display of emotion moments earlier, she doesn't have the urge to follow him. The only string that pulls her, sits right there. The shoulders suspiciously moving in a rhythmic cadence she recognizes.

New Kalinda, Alicia thinks, when she lays her hand, carefully, on the tensed muscles. Old Kalinda, she smiles, when she feels her tense up at the touch, before relaxing, when she sees how tears are quickly brushed away and concealed, and the face stays averted until every last bit of emotion is hidden.

She slides in the chair again, her hand now covering Kalinda`s in a mere show of support. She thinks… hopes… Kalinda gets that, because the small hand is not pulled away. It actually trembles under hers.

`Are you ok?`

Alicia hears herself ask, and she is surprise by the fierceness in Kalinda`s eyes when the woman finally looks up. The fire, so clearly visible, burns through her, cuts through her, as do the sharp spoken words.

`What do you want from me, Alicia?`

But it`s the hand, that tells her more than that tone, the hand that stays, and trembles, under hers.

'I want a chance… I want to be part of your life.'

The words sound practiced, and incredibly corny. Next to that, they sound like she is asking too much, Alicia realizes, she is asking for everything she didn`t give Kalinda… Ever… Just because she was scared. This time it is her, and not Kalinda, who breaks eye contact. She feels her cheeks burn, the words hovering between them, heavy, loaded, but Kalinda speaks again. Her voice exasperated this time. Raw, of emotion, of something Alicia can`t quite place.

`What do you want?`

Kalinda asks again, the hoarseness of her voice forcing her to look up again. But Alicia`s gaze, somehow, gets stuck in the movement to Kalinda`s eyes. Stuck on a hand, the hand that keeps on trembling, the hand, that shows a small band of skin that is lighter than the rest, as if a ring had prevented it from getting sunlight. A ring, she only moments before had witnessed there. A ring, that now, was missing.

She swallows and closes her eyes momentarily, before finally managing to look into the fierce eyes. The eyes she has seen, so many times, in her dreams. She tries to let her eyes say what her words can`t. It`s almost a whisper she utters.

`I want you, just you`

The hand, the trembling hand, is withdrawn, and placed on Kalinda`s lap. Kalinda stares at the body part and licks her lips tentatively before speaking, causing shivers to run through Alicia`s body.

`It`s never just me anymore, Alicia. I'm not the woman I once was.'

New Kalinda, Alicia feels her eyes light up as the other woman puts her –Alicia`s- thoughts into words. No, they are not the women they once were. But something has remained the same. The bond that she feels, so strong it is almost palpable, audible, buzzing between them. The magnetic attraction that now, makes their eyes meet again.

'Neither am I, Kalinda. I know that, I see that, I respect that… I just...'

Putting up her hand to stop Alicia from going on, Kalinda interrupts her.

`You have to realize, Alicia… It`s the two of us now…`

The words are spoken softly, tenderly, with so much love Alicia feels as if she is slapped. She replays in her mind the gentle interaction between the spouses and pushes herself away from the table. Her eyes glance over the hand, the still trembling hand, bare where once had been a ring. Had she seen it wrong?

`What, you and Cary?`

Kalinda`s eyes flash with something Alicia can`t quite place. The younger woman bites her lip, something old Kalinda would never do. At least not in emotion. Maybe as some sort of seductive movement. Alicia laughs, and gets up. Feels something, heavy, in her chest, and realizes it`s her heart, breaking. She waited too long, she fucked up too bad. She missed her chance… She gets up, using the last of her strength to do so.

' I`m sorry… I never should… I… I`m sorry. I understand.'

As she tries to walk away, she feels the slender fingers around her wrist. They tremble and burn, causing her skin to catch fire. She watches the hand and then, slowly, lets her eyes find Kalinda`s.

'No you don`t'

Old Kalinda, rings through Alicia`s head as she hears the statement. So confident, so to the point. She can`t help but smile.

Her breath catches when Kalinda smiles back, the first one she has received, and she feels dizzied by its brightness. The fluttering feeling in her stomach picks up the increasing pace of her heart.

`I wasn`t talking about me and Cary…`

When Kalinda gets up, Alicia sees… She sees and she wonders how she could have been so blind. The radiance, the twinkle in her eyes. The tenderness in her voice. But she needed the swell of the abdomen, the gentle placing of a trembling hand, protective, to see it.

Alicia takes a step back, her eyes wide and pulled to Kalinda. To all of her… All, she realizes now, of THEM…

She takes it all in, a feeling she can`t seem to recognize streaming through her. She sees Kalinda, who has been biting her lip once again, swallow and close up when she registers Alicia`s withdrawal, and quickly the older woman takes a step in her direction again, trying to correct her mistake. She doesn`t trust her voice, but asks permission with her eyes, which is wordlessly granted. The tension but also the string, the bond between them, stronger than ever. When she places her hand carefully over Kalinda`s , covering the bump of her abdomen which immediately responses with a quivering movement, their eyes catch. She recognizes, at last, her earlier feeling as she beams with pride, and smiles. She sees the dark eyes of the woman she loves shine with emotion and asks the question without thinking.

`If it`s a boy, could we call him Owen?`

Kalinda inhales sharply, grabs her, and for a moment Alicia thinks there is something wrong. She doesn`t see Kalinda`s intention, when she feels the trembling hand in the nape of her neck, until the other woman`s lips crash on hers. She sighs into the kiss and feels it, for the first time in 4 years.

For the first time ever.

Alicia Cavanaugh is home.

Only one word occupies her thoughts, the only word that makes sense, that makes everything complete. Old and new merge into one when she moans it into the other woman`s mouth.

`Kalinda.`

**The End**


End file.
